Path: mit-eddie!bloom-beacon!shelby!lindy!news From: GE.LJB@forsythe.stanford.edu (Louis J Bookbinder) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: give 'em the axe! Message-ID: <8342@lindy.Stanford.EDU> Date: 6 Mar 90 01:47:14 GMT Sender: news@lindy.Stanford.EDU (News Service) Lines: 75 SCRAPE, SCRAPE, SCRAPE, SCRAPE Nick Chopper continues sweeping out the fireplace. As the fire has not been doused, and periodically the patrons continue to make toasts, this becomes a rather entertaining dance, reminiscent of scenes from Disney's Night on Bald Mountain. The patrons clap whenever he makes a particularly intricate step to avoid the flames, and laugh uproariously when he stumbles to dodge a well aimed toast. But the fun is not malicious - nobody aims at him to see him dance, Callahan's clients are not like that. Nick soon realizes that altho the clients are friendly, they are not going to quit the glass-shattering business just to save him labor. So he gets the worst out and steps back. Another toast lands in the flames. So Nick just smiles and places his singed broom in the corner by the fireplace and carries his heaped dustpan to the back room. He comes back, waits for the end of the latest toast, and the steps up to the line. "Hey, this is cheating, but you've given me a Herculean task, not dis- similar to cleaning out the Phrygian stables. (Have I got that right, you classicists, out there?). So I am making a toast, without a drink." "Hey - no fair" "Come, come" "Rules is rules" "Explain, tin man" "I feel I am entitled, since I seem to spend so much time in the flames over there I'm toast personified! I make a toast with my whole body!" "Boooo" "CHEAT" "Get out of here" "HERE, CLEAN UP THESE PEANUT SHELLS, TOO!" "NO PUNS FROM THE CHALK LINE" "Why not? You guys do! But I assure you, I am lousy at puns, so I will will keep them on the back burner. Anyhow...." "GROOOOOAN" "Thanx. Anyhow, I will make the following concessions: First, I will continue to sweep out the fireplace, FREE, just to be a part of this happy crowd (well, I recognize that there is pain here, too, but mostly you seem pretty happy) Second, I will give out warm fuzzies to whoever requests. If I can figure out what a warm fuzzy is, considering that I am an unfeeling tin man. Third, I will lend a sympathetic ear, in the group or direct email, to anyone who asks, assuming my tin ear could offer any sort of solace. Fourth, I will come in from time to time to beg my axe from Jilara, who seems to exist only in the group, now, I being unable to contact her for almost a month. I will beg on bended knee, if Mike does not mind an occasional dent in his floor" "Better than the nasty gouge your enchanted chopper chipped in the timber." Nick walks over to Jilara, attempts to touch her again, and again his hand passes through. Also it passes through the axe. "Frustrating. She seems so real, but everything she touches turns virtual. *sigh*" He gets down on one knee. "Jilara, dear, I will never be the courageous, ingenious,.. no, that is just pure flattery. Try this... "Jilara, I worship the ground you walk on, the chair you sit in, the netspace you occupy, and the gems of wisdom which flow from your lips. I humbly kneel at your feet begging the boon of at least a promise of eventual return of my axe. I will remain your willing pupil in the learning of warm fuzzies until the day you leave this reality for the great network in the sky. "I will go now. Have to get home. But my heart has been enlarged greatly just to get this posting from you!" He reaches out once more, and can almost....... Nick Chopper - my opinion? dont ax! LB>- GE.LJB@Forsythe.stanford.edu Path: mit-eddie!rutgers!apple!rdclark From: rdclark@Apple.COM (Richard Clark) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: A Continuing Cast of Characters Message-ID: <39228@apple.Apple.COM> Date: 6 Mar 90 07:21:26 GMT Organization: Apple Computer Inc, Cupertino, CA Lines: 38 "Orange juice, Mike -- and quickly before I squeeze out any more puns." Sipping the juice (and *how* does Mike manage to get fresh juice here?!), the newcomer retires to a table in the corner and takes in the scene played out before him. Soon, but not too soon, he walks over to the line, looks at the glass, and lobs it into the fireplace. "To The Place." (A cheer (you determine how large) goes up.) "This is my first time in this incarnation of Callahan's, though I have seen The Place many times before. (Spider Robinson rekindled my interest in Punning many many years ago, and my friends, family, and wife-to-be will never forgive him!) I must say, it looks a little different. Coming here is a slightly unnerving experience. Many of you are fabulous fabulists. Your actions are entertaining, but your stories are a tough act to follow. Still, I look forward to many enjoyable hours in this place and the off-net analogues (non-digital analogues?) thereof. Oh, and I'm often known as "Tigger". (And please, no pooh-poohing that.)" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -----------------------------+----------------------------------------------- Richard Clark | "If you don't know where you're going, Instructor/Designer | don't go there" -- Sybalski's Law Apple Developer University +----------------------------------------------- AppleLink, GEnie, Delphi, MCI, Internet: rdclark CI$: 71401, 2071 Path: mit-eddie!mintaka!think!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ukma!uflorida!haven!uvaarpa!hudson!bessel.acc.Virginia.EDU!pcp2g From: pcp2g@bessel.acc.Virginia.EDU (Philip C. Plait) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Axes: a hatchet job Summary: hoe-hoe-hoe Message-ID: <2686@hudson.acc.virginia.edu> Date: 6 Mar 90 02:41:30 GMT Sender: news@hudson.acc.virginia.edu Lines: 16 Phil walks over, root beer in hand, to where the axe fell, and ponders quietly the damage. "Hmmm...a beatiful axe, that. Looks like it was never used before, 'cherry', if you will. Sharp enough to spay a cur, although once a spade, always a spade, I say, or do now. "Well, it's getting late, and I s'ppose it's time to throw in the trowel. I don't really dig puns this late." He looks sadly at the empty bottle in his hand, then tosses it gently into the fireplace. * Phil Plait PCP2G@bessel.acc.virginia.EDU * UVa Dept. of Astronomy Grad student (at large) * * "Censorship? You're worried about censorship when you write crap like that?" Path: mit-eddie!mintaka!think!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!unix.cis.pitt.edu!dsinc!netnews.upenn.edu!cps3xx!usenet From: usenet@cps3xx.UUCP (Usenet file owner) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Author, author! Message-ID: <6752@cps3xx.UUCP> Date: 6 Mar 90 13:11:33 GMT References: <9003021202.AA03519@fsdcupt.csd.mot.COM> Reply-To: frey@frith.UUCP (Zachary T. Frey) Organization: Michigan State University, College of Engineering Lines: 13 In article <9003021202.AA03519@fsdcupt.csd.mot.COM> jane@fsdcupt.csd.mot.COM (Jane Beckman x4030) writes: >By the way, does not adhering to Darwin's Origin of the Species make >you a Lamarcked man?" Only if you're not Creative. Zach Frey Papernet: Zachary Frey | frey@frith.egr.msu.edu | Usenet: the 514 Virginia St. | frey@msuegr.BITNET | Bellman's E. Lansing, MI 48823 | ...uunet!frith!frey | Paradise. Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!think!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!uwvax!sabertooth.cs.wisc.edu!lewandow From: lewandow@sabertooth.cs.wisc.edu (Gary Lewandowski (TA of Doom)) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: *cackle* Message-ID: <9881@spool.cs.wisc.edu> Date: 6 Mar 90 14:47:21 GMT References: <1990Mar3.063313.1239@csusac.csus.edu> Sender: news@spool.cs.wisc.edu Distribution: usa Organization: University of Wisconsin, Madison -- Computer Sciences Department Lines: 27 In article <1990Mar3.063313.1239@csusac.csus.edu> yarnot@csusac.csus.edu (Jan Yarnot) writes: >A little old white-headed lady toddles up to the bar from the shadowy niche >where she's been listening. You get the feeling she hasn't missed much. > >She looks around. The regulars all look so young and untried. "In my day, >kiddies, you got character from adversity. The cowboys' hats took on dirt and >dents from being used, and the cowboys themselves took on wrinkles and scars, >and it showed that they had _experienced_ something. Nowadays you young whip- Ahh, the cowboys. I'll be responsible for Louis L'amour. Really my dad should be the one, but if you were around a few months ago you'd understand... Besides, I've read them all at least once, and the books will be passed onto me (along with the old Zane Grey Western Magazines). An impulsive dash to the bar, the dollar is down, the glass is in hand. The drink is downed, and we're back to the fireplace: A toast, please. To books and the bonds they can make between parent and child. And thanks, my little old white-headed friend. -- gary lewandow@cs.wisc.edu "Knowledge is a fractal." -- Samuel Bates Path: mit-eddie!mintaka!think!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!swrinde!ucsd!ucbvax!FSDCUPT.CSD.MOT.COM!jane From: jane@FSDCUPT.CSD.MOT.COM (Jane Beckman x4030) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Mail path! Message-ID: <9003061040.AA04795@fsdcupt.csd.mot.COM> Date: 6 Mar 90 18:40:43 GMT Sender: daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU Lines: 13 Jilara adds to her original comment: "Lamarcked men just don't mendel around with genetics. "And now, for all you who have tried to reach me and failed, a friend said he was able to reach me on the following mail path:" She goes to the virtual blackboard and writes: jane%fsdcupt.csd@urbana.mcd.mot.com "He also said this one might work." She writes an alternative of @urbana.mcd.mot.com:jane@fsdcupt.csd "I hope to be in communication with the world again, soon!" she says. ---Jilara the Exile Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!apple!mips!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!psuvax1!psuvm!cunyvm!r84si From: R84SI@CUNYVM Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Re A new topic, Fahrenheit 451 and YOU Message-ID: <90065.104010R84SI@CUNYVM.BITNET> Date: 6 Mar 90 15:40:10 GMT References: <9003010705.AA20452@ccb.ucsf.EDU> <1990Mar1.194229.29371@granite.cr.bull.com> Organization: City University of New York/ University Computer Center Lines: 10 Haven't had time for an self intro, but I wish to be... Cristopher Stasheff The man has one of the clearest worldviews I have ever encountered. Living in the Shadows, Alexis Nightshade Mundane Name: Adam Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!bionet!uwm.edu!cs.utexas.edu!mailrus!iuvax!pur-ee!mentor.cc.purdue.edu!gtz From: gtz@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Eric C. Garrison) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Fast Eddie Message-ID: <8174@mentor.cc.purdue.edu> Date: 6 Mar 90 21:56:36 GMT Organization: Purdue University Lines: 14 A small man in his early 20's enters the Place. He wears jeans, a collared T-shirt and a pair of glasses. He looks at the chalk line. He looks at the fireplace. He looks around at the patrons. He smiles in almost a grimace and tears come to his eyes. "Oh my," he stammers, "I always knew Callahan's Place had to exist." He stumbles over to the bar. "Gin and Tonic," he says to Callahan. He looks as though he were going to say something several times, but eventually just fades into the background, listening, watching, occasionally making a pun. Eric Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!apple!brutus.cs.uiuc.edu!psuvax1!xavier!news From: jdh92@campus.swarthmore.edu (Hildebaby) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Callahan's Lady! Message-ID: Date: 7 Mar 90 02:53:46 GMT Sender: news@xavier.swarthmore.edu (USENET News System) Organization: Ministry of Propaganda - SWIL Lines: 26 -Message-Text-Follows- Boing, boing, boing! Hildebaby comes bounding in through the door, a book clutched in one hand. He gets a root beer from Mike, gulps it down, and comes to the chalk line. "A friend of mine (Hey, when are you going to come out of the shadows and say hello anyway!) just gave me an early birthday present (actually quite early so any birthday greetings are going to be very inappropriate) saying, "I wanted to give you this before you saw it and bought it yourself." It turned out to be a paperback copy of _Callahan's Lady_, print date March 1990. So if you've been holding off on it, not wanting to pay for the hardcover, check your bookstores now. Carefully aiming around Nick Chopper still sweeping glass out of the fireplace, he chucks the glass in, then goes bounding off to finish midterms before reading. (Sigh.) -Jeff =-=-=-=-=-=-="Unprepared! That's the student's marching song."-=-=-=-=-=-=- Jeff Hildebrand Swarthmore College, Swarthmore PA 19081 JDH92@campus.swarthmore.edu or JDH92@SWARTHMR.BITNET "I plan to live forever or die trying" - Vila, Blake's 7 "I want to see the universe, not rule it!" - The Doctor, Doctor Who