Path: mit-eddie!rutgers!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!bloom-beacon!eru!luth!sunic!mcsun!ukc!icdoc!jp From: jp@doc.ic.ac.uk (John Precedo) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Evidence that god is an iron Summary: more puns - these ones aren't even funny.... Keywords: irony, robinson, spider, puns! Message-ID: <1535@gould.doc.ic.ac.uk> Date: 2 Feb 90 21:38:47 GMT References: <4888@convex.convex.com> Reply-To: jp@doc.ic.ac.uk (John Precedo) Distribution: alt Organization: Dept. of Computing, Imperial College, London, UK. Lines: 13 John sticks his head around the door. "Another punfest - yeah! Thats a sight for sore eyes!" "Friends, Romans, countrymen. `Lens' me your ears"(or should that be eyes?) More groans. "Right, now that I've got your attention... Mike, step up to the optics, and pour some glasses. We don't want the Shoeless One to be an `eye-cicle'!" Dodging the oncoming barrage of peanuts, John gets to the bar. -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- John Precedo, Imperial College,Huxley Building,180 Queens Gate,London SW7 2BZ ---------------------- JANET: jp@doc.ic.ac.uk --------------------------------- Reaching out for a Star/Reaching out for a Star that explodes (KaTe Bush '89) Path: mit-eddie!mit-amt!snorkelwacker!apple!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!CCB.UCSF.EDU!robin From: robin@CCB.UCSF.EDU (Robin Colgrove) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: instruments for the n-tet Message-ID: <9002030636.AA14959@ccb.ucsf.EDU> Date: 3 Feb 90 06:36:23 GMT Sender: daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU Lines: 62 Well. When I heard about the n-tet, I hurried my fanny over to Callahans as quick as you can say 'Spider Robinson' Robin the Acccident-prone, high master of the art of oops-jutsu, enters bearing a large and well worn satchel. He opens it to reveal a cornucopia of sundry musical instruments. "I specialize in Garage Sale level instruments." he comments, "Seeing as how I've only got about twenty bucks of talent, I could never see spending big bucks on the hardware. But what I lack in ability, I more than make up for in gusto. Why, I've been told to pipe down or else by at least a half-dozen folks just this week!" Out of the satchel come maracas, a tamborine, bongos, a concertina, claves, finger cymbals, a harmonica, and a dinky keyboard. And the flutes! Wood flutes, clay flutes, a glass flute, bamboo flutes, a double flute in the shape of a whale, a toroidal porcelain flute, a monstrous cigar-shaped clay ocarina, and recorders wood and plastic, baroque and renaissance in tenor, alto, soprano, and sopranino flavors, a nickel fife and a pennywhistle, a slidewhistle, and an aged wood and metal pre-boheme decrepid but functional concert flute. "I didn't bring any of the homemade stuff like the Sparkletts water bottle double-bass flute" he adds apologetically, "but I think this lot will hold us for a while. I've performed with all of these babies at one time or another so I can vouch for their effectiveness. Some day I'll tell the story of how I made my food and train fare home one christmas with an impromptu recorder concert but for now let me just start passing these out so we can get started. Any ideas on what to play? 'Louie Louie'? 'La Bamba'? 'Rock Lobster'? 'Yellow Submarine' (or my inebriated version 'The Town where I was Born')? Tell you what, I start the first one." He picks up a large bamboo flute and after a few toots to adjust the ombissure (or whatever that thing is you do with your lips to make a nice noise) begins a familiar tune, sweet and lovely and somehow fitting for this place: Tis a gift to be simple Tis a gift to be free Tis a gift to come down where you want to be. And when you find yourself in a place just right it will be in the valley of Love and Delight. When true simplicity is gained to bow and to bend we shall not be ashamed. To turn, turn, will be our delight till be turning, turning we come round right. One by one, others join in in an unlikey orchestra. What should by rights have been a horrible cacophany somehow emerges instead as epiphany. Voices and instruments rise together and fill the room with light. On the second time through, robin puts down his flute and adds his voice to the chorus, weaving a basso countermelody softly through the chorale. Momentarily at peace with the world and with themselves, the patrons rise toward that oneness with each other found in the heart of music and love. "That was Great!!" Exclaims robin, shattering the small miracle with his usual impeccable godzilla-in-the-china-shop poise. "How bout we do some John Phillip Sousa?!" Bah, bah-bah, buh-bah-buh-bah-bu-Bah! (boom).... Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!zardoz.cpd.com!everex!ciaran From: ciaran@everex.UUCP (-Ciaran) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: signs..... Message-ID: <465@everex.UUCP> Date: 2 Feb 90 15:50:13 GMT Reply-To: ciaran@everex.UUCP (-Ciaran) Organization: ESIX System V, Santa Ana, CA, USA Lines: 21 The door opens....... then the silent sound of a door shuting with a hush that can only normaly be made my a well oiled door is heard. After a time people notice a figure in a black cloak at the bar. "Hey Mike, is that a sign I see over there saying singles only?" If so what is wrong with my coin? Couples can offer support and help as well as others! I am the Guardian of Twilight (with a degree in psych :-) and would feel hurt if I could not use such a place as this to some in from the cold and give healing to people that are in need. I am a one given to healing and drifting back into the shadows of twlilght. If I am welcome just call........ The figure in black is seen passing through a shadow into the night. A strange token if found on the counter of the bar. -- Ciaran the Guardian of twilight Our Life is not a dream, but someday it may become as one. UUCP: uunet!zardoz!everex!ciaran or uunet!zardoz!gebo!jde Path: mit-eddie!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!mailrus!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cwjcc!ncoast!allbery From: allbery@NCoast.ORG (Brandon S. Allbery) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: A Little Dream Message-ID: <1990Feb3.002442.14260@NCoast.ORG> Date: 3 Feb 90 00:24:42 GMT References: <90031.214955EMD101@PSUVM.BITNET> Reply-To: allbery@ncoast.ORG (Brandon S. Allbery) Followup-To: alt.callahans Organization: North Coast Public Access UN*X, Cleveland, OH Lines: 35 As quoted from <90031.214955EMD101@PSUVM.BITNET> by EMD101@psuvm.psu.edu: +--------------- | "Ideally this would be like a Team Banzai of music. About six members | besides me, who play various permutations of flute/recorder, oboe, Horns, | clarinets, bassoon, marimba, cello, piano, and other stuff. They can whistle | and sing in a full set of ranges. Obviously not all at once. Maybe they | write too, sheesh, it's not a dictatorship. | | "Naturally the Team members are witty and fun to be around, and like to | discuss physics in their spare time, and eat pizza and play Canasta. How | about it? Would anyone like to be a part of a Virtual n-tet? We could hang | out in Callahan's and talk about the music we would play if we were a | Real n-tet. It's a great idea!" +--------------- ...and out of the shadows around the edge of the room comes someone. He may look a little familiar to some who may have seen him scuttling about, always busy, but for the moment he's at rest. He steps up to the bar to see if there's some real Guinness around.... "A virtual n-tet could never be as good as a real one... but I miss having the time for instrumental music. In my time, I've worked with most of the brass family, tenor saxophone, and a little clarinet... and I've been known to whistle and even sing, although I'd sooner not inflict what passes for my voice on others these days. Physics discussions, yes; pizza, depends on the kind; canasta, nope---oh, well." He looks around, a bit self-consciously, and then retires into the shadows. A few moments later, he steps back out and up to the line: "To recreation!" ***crash*** ---And he scuttles back into the shadows and disappears; off again. ++Brandon Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!apple!sun-barr!newstop!texsun!convex!convex.com From: schumach@convex.com (Richard A. Schumacher) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Evidence that god is an iron (PUNS) Message-ID: <5120@convex.convex.com> Date: 3 Feb 90 01:38:27 GMT References: <1990Feb2.231940.27033@agate.berkeley.edu> Sender: usenet@convex.com Distribution: alt Lines: 6 The Shoeless One gags, strangles and sprays a little Leinies out his nose. He drops to the floor and thrashes about, finally coming to rest at the feet of C Davis. He turns face up with a glassy-eyed stare and whispers, "'Vitreous humor'. Arrrrrrhhhhhhgggg, ya got me. Mike, the next rounds' on me." Path: mit-eddie!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!mailrus!bbn!bbn.com!fwebb From: fwebb@bbn.com (Fred Webb) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Those lurkers never really go away... Message-ID: <51691@bbn.COM> Date: 3 Feb 90 17:04:49 GMT Sender: news@bbn.COM Reply-To: fwebb@BBN.COM (Fred Webb) Organization: Bolt Beranek and Newman Inc., Cambridge MA Lines: 55 The lurker reforms out of the shadows of the corner. He walks over toward Jake. "Mind if I borrow The Lady for a bit?" "But of course," he replies, turning back to discussing chaos theory with a clooud of vapor that hovers on the stool next to him. The lurker crosses the bar, picking up snatches and bits from all the shared pain. The Metallica shirt is gone, replaced by a sweatshirt with the Milky Way galaxy on it, with an arrow pointing to a praticular location, and the words "You Are Here". He pulls a stool up to the amp, picking up The Lady gingerly and fiddling with the knobs a little. Next to him, Fast Eddie is doing battle with Elton John's "Your Song". The lurker plugs in, and, with Eddie leading the way, the two roar through a Billy Joel medley, touching on "Streetlife Serenader", "Everybody Loves You Now", "Captain Jack", and many others, both familiar and obscure, until, sweat pouring off them, they explode into "Stiletto", and bring it to a triumphant conclusion, with a chorus of glasses shattering in the fireplace. The two shake hands, and they both approach Mike to parch their thirst. The lurker takes a mug of cream soda, and approaches the chalk line. "Firstly, to all those that are hurting: Remember this: keep the faith, kid. I know this sounds stupid, and useless, and many of you will scoff, but I beg you to hang on. I don't know how I've been hanging on, exactly, but I am. And that, my friends, is all that truly matters. Sometimes it's the anger of Metallica, sometimes the carpe diem frivilousness of Bon Jovi or Def Leppard, sometimes the orchestral majesty of Andrew Lloyd Webber or Tchaichovsky, sometimes the complex simplicity of Billy, or any of a thousand other balladeers. Sometimes it has only been the fact that this music EXISTS, that people like James Hetfield have felt like I feel, and these people have raged against the prison of themselves, the feeling that it's NOT ME, IT'S THE WORLD. I don't know how many times, or ways I can say this, but you are not alone, none of you. Never forget. Secondly, and mercifully lastly, my toast. I just recently broke up with Lisa, my SO of quite a while. I had to end the relationship, basically because it was destroying me. Lisa is going through a lot, and her tears and stress, and my worrying about her, almost destroyed me. As it is, my Chem average is pathetic, and it's going to take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get my grades back where they belong.. I had to get out: I was losing my mind. You can actually probably make a case that I have lost my mind, but that's a different story. And a mutual friend, Wendy, helped me realize that I needed to do this. For that, I can never thank her enough. So I toast Wendy Kay Tamerler, friend and soulmate. Eternal thanks!" --- CRASH! --- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Michael Webb, freshbeing at "Sing out; If just for today; Maybe Massachusetts College of Pharmacy tomorrow; The Good Lord take you away..." and Allied Health Sciences -- Aerosmith, "Dream ON" Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!usc!cs.utexas.edu!uwm.edu!psuvax1!psuvm!emd101 From: EMD101@psuvm.psu.edu Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: A Little Dream Message-ID: <90033.165450EMD101@PSUVM.BITNET> Date: 2 Feb 90 21:54:50 GMT References: <7810@pt.cs.cmu.edu> Organization: Penn State University Lines: 28 In article <7810@pt.cs.cmu.edu>, mjc@nl.cs.cmu.edu (Monica Cellio) says: > >Monica's eyes light up at the suggestion of a virtual n-tet. She walks >toward a nearby wall and returns a moment later with a large wooden box, >squared off on one end and diagonal on the other, which has somehow been >leaning inconspicuously against the wall. (The box is nearly as long >as she is tall, which is to say that it's fairly large but she's also fairly >short.) She brings the case into the center of the room and opens it, >revealing a large hammer dulcimer. "Don't want to get *too* near the fire," >she says, "or I'll have to retune the beast in half an hour." She looks >around at the other musicians and says, "We *are* tuning, aren't we?" > "A dulcimer?! Sheesh, this place must have been made for folk music. Better than I ever expected!" > >[after playing some music with Dani and his recorders] Monica turns to the >girl with purple socks and says, "I'd be happy to learn how to play Canasta, >but could you first tell me which cards we leave out of the decks? Or did >you mean 108, ra> >Monica >mjc@cs.cmu.edu "Oh no! Yes, I meant 108. My rules aren't *that* arbitrary." The girl grins ruefully, then pulls a manuscript notebook from her pack. She picks up her pencil and starts writing, muttering the names of various instruments under her breath. Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!CCB.UCSF.EDU!robin From: robin@CCB.UCSF.EDU (Robin Colgrove) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: A song from the heart, er, liver Message-ID: <9002032339.AA26553@ccb.ucsf.EDU> Date: 3 Feb 90 23:39:24 GMT Sender: daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU Lines: 64 Thump, crash, jostle jostle, scrape, thwop! An exceedingly bizarre-looking figure squeezes its way through the door in a none-too-graceful fashion. The anatomically-minded among the patrons recognize this as a person in a huge paper-mache costume constucted to resemble an outsize human liver, complete with a well-postioned green balloon for the gall bladder (non-bio types consult your local encyclopedias for reference ;). Needless to say, this apparition is a bit out of the ordinary even for Callahans and so a lull settles over the communal chatter as the patrons await further edification as to the nature of this refugee from 'The Far Side.' A mop head pokes up through the stop and regulars recognize the goofy features of robin (calamity) colgrove who has previously strewn destruction in his wake throughout callahanspace. "All this talk of n-tets and such has given me a rip-roaring case of nostalgitis for the days when writing silly songs for student shows was my main claim to fame. After reading the various articles, I dug back into my files and spent a few hours reliving past glories. It would be hard to convey any of the original stuff over the .net cuz ASCII can't carry a tune but I can't resist a reprise of one of my spoofs from a few years back. I wrote many of the songs for my med-school classmates senior class play and ham-that-i-am put in a good solo for your's truly. To the tune of "Old Man River" sung as low as you can go...Ahem...I fear the puns may be a little xenobiotic for the compucentric clientele here but think of it as a broadening of your host range!" Robin's usually pleasant baritone speaking voice suddenly transmorgrifies into his thunderous singing basso, half bullfrog and half earthquake... He don' pump plasma! He don' pump Oh-two! But all dem otha organs, he tells 'em where ta go to! Cuz Ol' Man Liver, he keep dat bile juice flo-o-owin' strong! Don' do no contractions No-o action potentials But if your patient's yellah, put him on your differentials cuz Ol' Man Liver better keep dat bile juice flo-o-owin strong! See dat belly all distended note that right sub-costal pain. Wrists dey are a flappin' from ammonia of the brain! Better be careful gettin' the CBC! Little needle stick an' you get hepatitis B! Dat Ol' Man Liver, Da-at Ol' Ma-an Liver De-em lobes regeneratin' Bilirubin Conjugatin' An he keep dat bile juice flowin' he keeps it flowin, brother keep dat bile juice flo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owin strong! He keep that bile juic flo-o-o-win strong! Finishing his song to the mystified amusement of the crowd, robin curtsies to the audience, gives a jaunty squeeze on his "gall bladder" and beats a hasty retreat toward the door. "Next time maybe I'll do my Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious sendup entitled 'Pseudohypoparathyroidism with Necrosis!' Until then, in the words of St. Larson the bizarre: Adios, Amoebas!" Path: mit-eddie!mit-amt!snorkelwacker!usc!brutus.cs.uiuc.edu!jarthur!estokien From: estokien@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Eric Stokien) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Current Events Keywords: Cha, cha, cha changes!!! Message-ID: <4138@jarthur.Claremont.EDU> Date: 4 Feb 90 03:37:19 GMT References: <13376@phoenix.Princeton.EDU> <11995@csli.Stanford.EDU> <1990Jan30.172136.13712@granite.cr.bull.com> <1990Jan30.202545.18021@granite.cr.bull.com> Organization: Harvey Mudd College, Claremont, CA 91711 Lines: 46 A new persona enters the bar, he is dressed in a nose, err, wearing a rather colorful set of clothes, a rapier at his side, and a gentlemanly manner. He bows courteously to the room and says, "My name is Cyrano, I have a wish to visit amongst those who know that manners makest man, and respectful courtesy is due to all." His clothes change to a more twentieth century style, except for a Flying Karamotzov Brothers stupid hat on his head, his rapier disappears, and his nose changes to an equally large, but roman form. Some recognize him as Eric Stokien, a college student who was here at the beginning of this news group, but has spoken up infrequently and is now sans beard. He strolls up to the bar, sheepishly takes a dollar out of free lunch and gives it to Mike. "I'll put some back when paycheck gets cashed, but right now I'm broke." he says,"and make mine a Monaco." Mike pours him the beer and cherry sirop drink, and he nearly finishes it in a few minutes, then remembering he steps up to the line, finishes it off and lobs the glass into the fireplace. "To changes ... for the better." I have recently broken up with my SO, but I am not bitter. We learned a lot from each other and most of the time it was wonderful. We have parted ways and now I have shaved, given my charm a tune-up and started on the road for looking for a new interest. This not so easy at a school like Mudd, but I have confidence in myself and I'm ready to look again. I have also recently taken up a tutoring job at the local Junior High. I may find out whether I should take up teaching or not, and help improve the current US education problem in my own way. Much as reforms are happening in South Africa and Eastern Europe, my life is entering a new stage in its existence. I have nothing to base this on but a gut reaction and a tendency to group my life by where I'm living and who I was going out with. I'm also starting to really take courses for my major, and set in motion the big decision wheel. I suppose I'm saying this to add a little cheer to the atmosphere, but face it my friends, there is a lot to celebrate in this world. And now changing back to his persona, he draws his sword and exclaims, where is that riddle master, I haven't seen any new riddles in ages!!! Eric Stokien may or may not be in love, but he is currently under some kind of influence. Path: mit-eddie!snorkelwacker!usc!ucsd!ucsdhub!hp-sdd!hplabs!hpfcso!daq From: daq@hpfcso.HP.COM (Doug Quarnstrom) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: WAR Message-ID: <9060016@hpfcso.HP.COM> Date: 1 Feb 90 02:26:48 GMT References: <9060012@hpfcso.HP.COM> Organization: Hewlett-Packard, Fort Collins, CO, USA Lines: 61 / hpfcso:alt.callahans / egly@hplred.HP.COM (Diana Egly) / 6:04 pm Jan 30, 1990 / > Why do I say this? Well, first, war is a part of human > nature, and I do not believe that human nature really > changes over time. >Why is it that soldiers come back from war with mind and spirit broken? >We can call it "shell shock" or "post-traumatic stress syndrome" or Well, I do not believe that the percentage of men whose "spirits are broken" is as high as you think. It may be that high in the case of wars like vietnam where the men get no support when they come back. And certainly there are plenty in any war, but humans are adaptable, and, given proper support, I suspect that most of them cope just fine. >best predictor of who will break whether they have been in combat? Did >you know that in a fire-fight 80% of the combat troops will not fight? >They either freeze or hide or run away. Even though they can be >court marshalled for this. Did anyone ever explain to you why officers >carry side arms - or at least in officer training what they taught about >the use of their side arm during combat? Yes, I did know that a high percentage of men in combat do little but hide, unless they are very highly trained. But I did not say that it is in human nature to enjoy combat. I said that it is part of human nature to become involved in wars. Certainly, once the war starts, many people realize that it is not alot of fun. You seem to have reacted to my post as if I were saying war is good. All I am saying is that cultures have fought all throughout history, and I see no reason to beleive they will stop, especially given the vast hatred loose in the world. >It may be human nature to declare war, but if it were human nature to >fight them there wouldn't be so many broken soldiers. The military >wouldn't need to threaten and intimate soldiers in order to get them >to fight. There were PLENTY of men in WW2 who volunteered to fight. And I personally KNOW people who are in the military, and they are WILLING to fight if necessary. I beleive that they would not like it once it started, but make no mistake, there are people who are soldiers at heart, even now. I want to tread lightly here, because I do not want to generate flames, and this subject is a little out of the Callahans norm, but this issue really bothers me. I think it is a mistake to assume blindly that the instability in Europe now is a panacea and that perpetual harmony is on the horizon. We could get lulled into a deadly sleep if that happens. The world is a dangerous place and cannot be viewed through rose colored glasses. I seemed to sense some vitriol in your reply, Diana, and I suspect that you feel very strongly about this, so I am willing to listen to more input if you are willing to post it. I am really not sure what resolution I am looking for, but perhaps something will come out of this... Cynic